When the going gets tough, the tough gets going

"And worse I may be yet: the worst is not So long as we can say 'This is the worst'."

King Lear, Shakespeare

One should have a sense of humour like Shakespeare when series of touble come.

As instructed by my boss, I should have recorded a particular TV channel for a court case but ... I recorded a wrong channel!!! Well, a groaning morning ...

... and, I still received the call from someone I don't want to get in touch with, how to disappear completely?

In place of regret were the good times we spent

If life becomes too miserable, all I need is pop songs.

Special Needs keeps playing in my headphone. I want to think of nothing.

All plans are meaningless. Something we take it for granted, we treat it as routine, we treat people as our daily backdrop, we do not really listen to them, or talk to them.

I do not have good relation with my father. We are like strangers. I am his less favourite child. I do mind of this kind of preference but I am not feeling hatred now. I am not a good daughter too.

Never like the building called hospital, (who will like it?) it's so dark and cold in the midnight. There were baby's crying, human's groaning, unknown machine's bleeping.

I am so fatigued, physically, mentally.

Only you can bring back the good old days

Back To The Bus Babyshambles

If my memory does not fail me, this is the second Back to the Bus. I always thought this Back to the Bus series are something like the Back to Mine series or Under the Influence series, i.e. a trick to rip off money from the die-hard fans of a particular band or band's member by asking such band to quote their favourite songs and then make a compilation album. However, Back to the Bus series are still better than the rest. Not only there is an exclusive interview with the band, its artwork is always interesting. I think this one with Babyshambles is indeed "super-kawaii" (with slight magic touch of peter and drew?)

The songs chosen are just fabulous. There are my favourites Cazals and B & S, but what makes it really special is that the songs chosen are a bit autobiographical, unintentional maybe. Chinese Rock and Needle of Death are too obvious. Making Time (The Creation) just made me think of Can't Stand Me Now ("Tellin' lies, closing your eyes, making more excuses. Pullin' the wool, actin' the fool, people have their uses ... Why do we have to carry on, always singing the same old song ...").

Litt'lans' Their Way, what can I say? I can listen to this bitter-sweet song forever.

Jail Guitar Doors was spookily predictive. I remember Peter has quoted some lyrics of this song "... I'll tell you about Pete, didn't want no fame, gave all his money away, 'Well there's something wrong, it'll be good for you, son.' And so they certified him insane..." in one of his Books of Albion (I forgot which one), he must feel the same way (and i couldn't help laughing when I saw it at that time). Of course that was the time before burglary. To listen to this song now, it becomes even more spookily coincident with the lyrics "... waiting for trial, twenty-five thousand bail, if he goes down, you won't hear his sound, but his friends carry on anyway. Fuck 'em!" (and his ex-band members will then reply "I get along just singing my songs people tell me I'm wrong Fuck 'em!", oops, shouldn't make joke to all the events)

In the early interview, Peter always made reference to Love and so it's no surprise for having a Love's song, but Your Friend and Mine? It gave me goosebumps when I just heard the first line "Only you can bring back the good old days" and then "Only you still can see a memory, like what about the time you took my arm, said come with me you don't have to be strong, said here's a little something to relax your mind, now that we are two of a kind my friend, all we are is two of a kind".... I was thinking too much.

Yes, I was thinking too much cos' there're no good old days anymore. Only hatred remains. The last song What Katie Did, with the early 2003 Babyshambles Session, the version which I love most, I was somewhat disappointed to see the credit was given to Alan Wass!!! OK, Wass maybe a session man in recording this song and is talented in his own way, but I definitely do not believe that this song was co-written with Alan Wass!!!

You know, one day your dream will kill you

"Madame Bovary, c'est moi." Flaubert said so, and so did Mr Edward Lam. Et toi?

As a long-time admirer of Mr Lam (hope he doesn't mind this confession of love from an opposite sex), I don't know if I just blindly praise his every production or what. Both entertaining and thought-provocative, Madame Bovary Is Me(包法利夫人們) is still "very Edward Lam/not quite normal Edward Lam" (非常林奕華). I specially like the actors/actresses from Taiwan, they are very impressive.

The story was set in the 19th Century France, but strangely it can still apply to today society. Some may say a woman's life is no longer depending on her husband so this story is not relevant anymore. I do not agree - not only to the fact that many women (sadly) still think that the value of their lives are totally depending on their husbands (so finding a good husband is the ultimate life achievement), it's also because this story is not just a woman's story, it's a story for everyone (unless you don't ever have any dream or aspiration).

It is easy to be a moralist to blame Emma (Madame Bovary) for how she had destroyed herself and her family. Yes she was not a pleasant character but I think her demons were mainly due to reading too much literature and having too much romantic reveries. Entrapped in a mundane life, albeit comfortable, the dream-eyes girl spent her life to find the passions only glittering in her dream. She was trying hard, but all in vain. Don't we are all a bit like Emma in trying hard to break the shackles of banality and chasing the dream shimmering on the far horizon? The only difference is, Emma chose to end her life when life disappointed her, but we choose to submit to reality. Emma was an avoidant, loser, or the one who insisted her vision and finally killed by her dream? We are the conformists, survivors, or the ones who kill our dream?

Anyway, does everyone have dream? Or there are some lucky ones who reach their dream so not everyone is Madame Bovary? Or it's just the freak like me always believe there is some sublime beauty somewhere? But I sometimes think that there is no such thing as attainable dream, once you get it, it's not a dream anymore. The unfulfilled/unrealised nature of dream is what the beauty is.

在英倫尋找Arcadian Dream

本來只想於豆瓣寫的書評，回心一想何不也放在自己的blog，一稿多用。



England Is Mine: Pop Life In Albion from Wilde to Goldie - Michael Bracewell

Arcadia，一個已消失的理想國度，又或其實只是一個存在於幻想的國度。在Michael Bracewell眼中，這濛濃幻影正是英倫流行文化的精髓。無論是Oscar Wilde，寫實電影大師Lindsay Anderson，處境喜劇泰斗Sid James，又或悲情自憐自大者Morrissey，每位當代流行文化的Icon人物，總是對自己身處的世代感到格格不入，窮一生去找尋存在於記憶深處的一個浪漫國度，理想的日子仿佛已過去，其實大家都在懷一個不曾存在過的舊。

Arcadia對於英倫流行文化，其實又豈止是Bracewell所說的一次又一次的懷舊與思古！微妙又牢固的階級觀念，欲處處強調公平遊戲守則；隱藏又不可忽略的社會禮節規範(Decorums)，偏又喜歡革新破格； 對自身Englishness既驕傲又自嘲；另外，過度的工業化及城市化使都市人對田園生活充滿憧憬，但生活在田園小鎮的又對四周千載不變的人與事感到納悶非常，英倫生活上的種種自相矛盾，不正就是像arcadian dream般矛盾？在浪漫的牧人與諸神寫詩飲酒的同時，偏就巧遇死神的蒞臨；在天真的笑薔下， 卻是墜落的開始。

喜愛某隊樂團的，一定發現本書對兩位主將的影嚮，由Wilde到The Only Ones到Sid James到頹廢生活經典A rebours，更甚至其特別的 calligraphy。


每個chapter的 title所用的字體，真的和其中一名主將的字體非常相像呀!

1 Sept - Back to School Again

No. That's not a matter for me anymore, but I really want to say it, just to pretend that I'm a student. That's the cliche that we only value the things we no longer have. I saw many Form One - ers this morning, clumsy and nervous, some with their parents, cutie little things! I bet they do not feel the joy like I do. I remember the horrid feeling at the beginning of school term, especially if that was the first year to secondary school - the oversize school uniform looked so ugly on my skinny body (yeah, I was once skinny), my hairdo was disastrous , schoolbag was so heavy and obsolete, everything was just not right, out of time and out of place, while strangers were everywhere .... (given my crap social skill, it's still the same but strangers is not a big problem for me now, I tend to ignore them and live inside my head). I was not bright nor lovable, the faceless dumb in class waiting for the end of lessons so that she could go to Mongkok to find any new issue of depeche mode. Past challenge is the most easiest so I can now look back with a smile.

Well I probably will have this fond feeling towards my work when I work no more (wow, that wll be the end of the world - hands stop, month stops, save and except I win mark six).

And there's always a crackhead charismatic liar

haha, best lyrics in recent times
...err, are they talking about me? (no you're worse, cos you're not kid anymore ...)


The Indelicates - We Hate The Kids

Every generation gets fooled again
And every generation is to blame
And its no good saying its not in your name
'cause it is in your name
And this generation is the same
And this generation is to blame
And I'm sorry that I can't join in any more
But I've been let down : too many times before
Oh yeah we mean it
We hate the kids
So dance dance dance to the radio tonight

I wanted to believe in rock'n'roll stars
I wanted to believe in contemporary art
I wanted to aspire to a higher path
But there's no higher path
It was ever thus, and it was ever you
And it's ever us because we'll do it too
And we're sorry to the all the disinherited meek, and
We're sorry for this con-trick that we play on the people
Oh yeah we mean it
We hate the kids
So dance dance dance to the radio tonight

And nobody ever comes alive
And the journalists clamour round glamour like flies
And boys who should know better grin and get high
With fat men who once met the MC5
And no one discusses what they don't understand
And no one does anything to harm the brand
And this gift is an illusion, this isn't hard
Absolutely anyone can play the fucking guitar
Oh yeah we mean it
We hate the kids
Useless children genuflecting
To the idols who exploit them
Open mouthed and arsed expecting
Some god to anoint them
Dance Dance Dance to this radio tonight

And there's always a monk to get set on fire
And there's always a crackhead charismatic liar
And there's always a depth to which you can aspire
And there's always a teenager due to expire
Pop had a beginning, it grew and was tended
Now it is rotten. Let it be ended.
Let every hopeless case that every drummer befriended,
Every seven-inch that every student intended
Every groupie and ligger and identity seeker
Every druggy and drinker and every loudspeaker
Be done with, be piled up, tossed, set alight
No more music, thank you, goodnight.

We get direction

but nowhere to go
So should we start our way back home
Forget the things that we will never know
We get direction but nowhere to go
- Which Way To Kyffin


There was a dead silence for a while cos' I was a bit busy at work. Nothing special (that's life). Nothing to write.

The verse was taken from the new album of James Dean Bradfield. I found it sort of aphorism, at least for me.

Nice to have found a small oasis in my endless desert-like life (or deserted life). Manic Street Preachers were(are) never one of those most favourite uk bands like suede, blur or pulp in Hong Kong. Maybe their songs were too political and literature-related (this place is proud to be anti-politics and anti-intellect). Or just because they looked so morbid, anorexic, blood-thirsty or aids victim in the richey days and look too middle-age in the days after richey? That made my worship to the Manics in Hong Kong in a particular lonesome way. (Series of digression. Back to James' work). James' solo project is definitely one of my favourite this year. Lush arrangement and extremely melodic, it is the sound of the post-Richey Manics, but more sincere. The Great Western is the railway which links up London Paddington and the Wales. The whole album is James' own reflection about home and away, loss and growth. From tribute to the dear lost ones ("An English Gentleman", "Bad Boys and Painkillers") to the song for the exiles ("Emigre"), these are the pain of growth. Conclusion is yet to be found (or never can be found) ("Which Way to Kyffin").

The Great Western is also my favourite rail in UK, not picturesque as the route to the North, but it reminds me of the days in england, the times when I also lived in Paddington, boarding trains just for that same band.

Brief meeting with Taipei

street of taipei

City impression

If London is my bosom friend and beloved, Amsterdam my adulterous lover, then Taipei is a new friend which I have pleasant first impression. Maybe I have watched too much tv in Hong Kong, my expectation of this city was influenced by the news about fighting in their parliament and aweful tv series. It was a nice surprise when I found this city is in fact much better than the image showing in their news and tv soup operas. It is so Confucian (in a good way), my mum was frequently given seat by others which was quite impressive, anyway the name of some of the underground stations already suggest such confucian way of life.

Taiwanese Food. The thing which every Hong-kongese goes there for. It's a pity that I did not try much cos' I didn't have time, but maybe I should be glad for the avoidance of gaining a few more inches to my big belly.


Chado - The Taiwanese way of tea

Books. The things which many Hong-kongese go there for. Eslite is definitely an achievement and pride of Taiwan. I just glanced through their website and found that it is in fact a listed company. I was very amazed by the co-existence of business, money-making, commerical activities and the profound, intellectual, cultural activities. Actually these two groups should not be mutually exclusive but yes, that's the case in Hong Kong. I couldn't find the books in "bookstores street" (which is nice also, near Taipei Station) I found them in Eslite. When I found the whole volumes of 管錐篇 just within my reach on the shelves, I felt like screaming! These're the books I thought I could never possess!

Formoz Festival

That's the main reason I went to Taipei. It's good to have such music festival so close to my hometown (of course it's better if Hong Kong itself will organise one in the future). I saw Super Furry Animals once in Cardiff Stadium but stadium, as usual - sucks, so I think the small venue of Formoz is much better. SFA was as humourous, playful and brilliant as usual. It's great to have some early stuff like Show Me Magic (but I longed for Something 4 the Weekend). There was some problem in the sound effect during Receptacle For The Respectable so it was not as hilarious as the version in the album. The highlight was of course Man Don't Give A Fuck. In order to survive in this cruel world, we all have to sing this song everyday.


SFA

Dirty Pretty Things, that's the main reason I went to Formoz Festival. The audience was more gentle than those in UK (or Japan) so it's OK to stand in the front row. The band became better and better (of course, this is a diligent band, "..carl is studious" as gary said [but carl didn't like this "unrock n' roll" description] haha) , tight and fit (for their performance and outlook ^^). I expect to have their new b-side track One To My Left but I got Plan A instead, so I won't complain. Shirtless (or may I say Topless?) becomes their ritual at the end of every gig, greedy gaze, lustful stare from every corner of the venue. We all love this ritual.




examples of bad photography

p.s. special thanks to ppp, river and her cute little sister, you all make my day!!

We were born free but everywhere in chain

Sometimes I do listen to the voice in my heart
and it brings me much condemn and disrepute.











"you were idiotic" colleague said.
(fuck, even compare me with the fans of 183 club, unforgivable)

I hate to admit

that I fall for this magazine sometimes.

When nightmare becomes reality

My computer is hacked, there are .exe files everywhere. I will have to delete all things inside my pc, oh no!!!!!!!!!!!! Those files are, if not bigger than, surely as important as, my life.

I feel like committing suicide.

A decade

If it was not Ms Pretty's invitation, I did not realise that this is the tenth anniversary of the death of Kieslowski. There will be a rememberance of kieslowski in Broadway Cinematheque in July but i'm going have a rememberance of my begone art-house days now.

This person (me) was unashamedly pretentious in the past but reality has reduced me to a humble miserable bore (some may call it down-to-earth as a compliment). I think I must have lost part of my soul in my humdrum mere existence. anyway I will not buy the ticket, that down-to-earh factor urges me to save every penny for the pension scheme (or save the money to buy the dvds).

I remember, I remember

The films selection of the rememberance is quite complete, of course I have only watched part of them. i forgot most of the plots (and the films of kieslowski are also over-analysed so i say no more), what is left is just the feeling but the feeling rambled below is probably twisted by my fading memory.

Liberty, equality, fraternity

We learnt it from the O'Level History lesson, so did in kieslowski's three colours trilogy. In Blue, Juliette Binoche liberated herself from the shadow of Death (the death of her husband, her desire to commit suicide, her mental death by cutting off the contact from the real world). In White, Karol fought for his own equality by getting rich, getting even. In Red, Irene Jocob and the eccentric retired judge developed a strange bond of fraternity. Or is it only a story about Poland - how it shakes off the tragic past, tries to have an equal footing with the world and yearns for the friendship of the west? The themes are highly visualise by colours, if blue is melancholic, red is warm and passionate, then what is white? It is pure and innocent, or bleak and cold in terms of Karl's revenge?

We are bound

But not together

My twin soul

lost and cold

Have you found your shelter?

Still breathing if I'm not around?

I really like The Double Life of Veronique. Irene Jocob was just so ... beautiful. They were so far away from each other but somehow they felt the existence of each other. Their paths did cross once. V1 took a picture of V2, V2 did not aware. They both loved music but made different choices. As beauty and sublime as poetry. The music of Zbigniew Preisner is just breathtaking. A perfect work of art.

Every page of my diary

contains your name .... and your stain

God knows how I fantasise you

and how I pay the price

for my ravenous mind

Dekalog 6 (A short film about Love) is not just my favourite Dekalog, it's my favourite among other kieslowski films. It's about love at the first sight, obsession or, simply voyeurism (but voyeurism has never been described as so innocent before). This is a story for lovers (ha!), but I don't mean the lovers in ordinary sense. Lover is the one who opens his heart to his feeling and who lives in the feeling of love regardless of any return. Sadly such openess will inevitably invite hurt and failure (fragility of openness, oh!). Tomek is the one who opened his heart and got hurt (by cruel sensuality/shattered illusion) but funny enough the ending is the looking-glass reversal, maybe that's because she has opened her heart finally.

Farewell, soldiers

disappointed and heartbreaking.

I'm in like with you

I do not know much about the supporting acts Shotgun She-ras and Waverjane. Shotgun was that country girls rock which I was not very enthusiastic about but they all were so sweet anyway. Waverjane was mellow and melodic, absolutely a nice first encounter.

Yes, this was a Yeti night. How could I imagine Yeti would come to Hong Kong? The Edge was a small club (which usually hosting hip hop nights), no wonder Andrew asked me if there was any better club in Hong Kong (sorry, andrew, i don't think so, or i don't know any, definitely there is no rhythm factory or filthy mcnasty here). Yeti boys did not have any roadies, nor any instruments (at least in Hong Kong), so they had to set up the equipment themselves and borrowed guitars from the shotgun girls. Don't feel bad for them, they absolutely enjoyed themselves, of course so did the fans or the scenesters (you choose it).

I absolutely love every minute of it. John once said that he already knew the formular of success, I've got no doubt, isn't it all about heart and melodies? (like that one particular band?) My favourite are In Like With You (sweet harmony), Moneygod, Merry Go Round, Working For the Industry, Never Lose Your Sense of Wonder and Midnight Flight (they sang almost all their songs which circulated around the net).

So, why Hong Kong? "that's because my aunt lives in Hong Kong" John said, "my cousin is here too" oh, then you should come here often. (actually, andrew also comes here once a year according to what he said, he's got a big family here though he was born in london)






hey, if you take a closer look, the band name on the drums was made by adhesive tape, very diy.

P.S. very nice to have met britple, u're so cute & nice ^^

If you allow yourself to be drowned in the poignant sea

The hilarious cover does not mean the same in the content. There is still a hint of sadness in all the things he said ... (unaccredited in all co-written songs?) or just like he said, he is still the same person, always a bit cynical, a bit suicidal, trying hard to grap his lost sanity. What a complicated person, so gentle and polite in every sense, and turbulent at the heart. maybe wolfie is right to say that he got more demons than the well-known naughty boy.
History must be a ghost to both, "I'd like that he'd like it", or the ghost of the loss of youth? "I've started looking a bit older"

I reckon he is still the co-captain of that good ship. surely knows what romanticism is, "Hey, you want to know what's romantic? That sunset's romantic. The West Pier's romantic. See that? The shadows on the water? It was all burned down and fucked. It's everywhere if you have a goood look"

The only part which made me laugh "I refute allegations of intentional homoeroticism", so it's not intentional, it must be something very natural.

The open road to oblivion

"He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man."
- Dr. Johnson

Heaven and Hell

My mate Vv has recently publicised some of her works in a magazine. She has a gift for photography and painting and all other artisitc stuff. Seeing is believing:

Heaven:



Blythe is her adopted child

Hell:
Just within my expectation. I was portrayed as an idiotic fangirl (or is it a fact that I refuse to admit myself?) I may (should) dismiss the whole caboodle as a joke. Still, I want to voice out some of my objection:


well, or should I be glad to be referred to as xxx at this age?


hey, I swear I've never gloated. I hate to be called like this. kittyshambles is known to be meek and humble (in fact neither do I like to be meek and humble, what am I?)


..huh?! i don't like to name him as a so-called super star, if he becomes a "super star", I will definitely stop loving him.


The term 第二最愛 makes me goose-skin. That's very wrong, from the beginning I made myself clear that both of these men are important to The Libertines and I respect both of them. Did I keep talking one of them so I must be crazy about that one? (yes you are...)


"these two cold fingers, these crooked fingers I show"
This is very creepy & rude to point to these 2 gentlemen like this, did I do it? I was told to show who were the chaps I rambled about, and so I made this idiotic gesture...

Arbeit Macht Frei

Work is freedom.

(Photo source: http://puck.wolmail.nl/~kosc/Auschwitz%20gallery/pages/Auschwitz%20000.html)



Anteroom to the Gas - Auschwitz
(Photo source : http://www.remember.org/jacobs/Anteroom.html)


The utter cruelty and darkness of human nature.
Obliteration.
Hatred.
Mass insanity.
It did / does happen.





(I was supposed to write something different but I can't help posting the Auschwitz, I am watching bbc and the pope at the auschwitz, feeling shellshocked)

Etiquette and attire

improper and indecorous i am
fresh warning, constant warning
i finally learn that the proper business etiquette and attire
is to wear the funeral suit and countenance
my playful tone and childish steps
i blame it on the sagitarian sun and ascendant
they asked, why i smiled all the time
in fact i feel cold and ennui
wise girl once predicted i would be the first to kill myself
i did not contest
boss asked, if i was like this before
no, i think i was once sober and serious (though some may contest)
boss asked, where did my former self go
i don't know, maybe substance and Bacchus have their roles