Out of focus

I am not unhappy, but also not happy, maybe that is normal.

I am feeling very idle recently, or that is my constant feeling, maybe this idleness will be with me all through my life.  Of course sometimes I idled away my time happily, but now I feel kind of unproductive.  I know there is no rule that we have to be productive or purposeful, but I strongly feel that I am wasting my time.  I lack the spirit, strength and courage to quit it all and start again, or simply reality has taught me considerable lessons.

Frankly I have no complaint to the current state, I love steadiness and I become very money-minded (or in fact i always am).   Thinking if I have the amount of $$$, I can be ............... whatever I want.  That the thought I have had since I graduated but sadly it still remains a wishful thinking.

My friend disappeared for a few days.  I think I sort of understand his reason or feeling.  Of course if I decide to disappear, I will never leave any farewell note on facebook.

Hysterical and useless

I told myself many times not to listen to the radiohead, or at least not in the public, for each time i can't control my emotion, the sheer chill through the headphones down my spine, blast in your face, no escape. There were moments my tears running down uncontrollably in the underground (people might think how this girl just broke up with her love, no, she was just listening to the radiohead). Today I have a strong urge to pick up planet paradiso again, taking the risk for not feeling normal for the whole day. Alienated and spaced-out. The state I am in.

We say things are multi-faceted, but sometimes it's just binary for me. Whenever i feel alienated and solitude, i feel my whole soul. Most of the time socialising means to kill a part of my soul. of course it means differently if i was with the persons i like. That is why whenever i travelled alone, i feel so myself. I don't know why i got this strange concept of socialising = conformity = exterminate the soul. Maybe i am just anti-social. (the next serial killer)

I can't read anything for the whole morning. all mandarin speakers around me always speak so loud. I am dumb and deaf here and can only communicate in cantonese and english, i wonder if i will stay here for long, or I still linger, for the crime of money ...

yes, i need money, sometimes the soul is cheap, i was told though still in probation, i have several annual leaves before year end, so i need money ...