周末看書

像是後殖民誌的後記，看後若有所失，若有所得。羔羊。自由。沉靜。

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"You see and hear that they lie," said Ivan Ivanovitch, turning over on the other side, "and they call you a fool for putting up with their lying. You endure insult and humiliation, and dare not openly say that you are on the side of the honest and the free, and you lie and smile yourself; and all that for the sake of a crust of bread, for the sake of a warm corner, for the sake of a wretched little worthless rank in the service. No, one can't go on living like this."

- The Man in a Case, Anton Chekhov 

So true, especially in the present time and space.  I'm clearly the man in a case, too.  (depressing)

The Fragility of Openness

可能只有死忠粉絲才會繼續在意吟遊詩人的自溺夢囈，詩歌形式亦方便粉 絲們解構(誤讀)。Albion航道似乎並不明媚，詩人呈現的陰暗面, 近乎懺悔告解 (是真實的Confession of a Child of the Century), 很多很多的自殘、毒品、性愛旅程, what a life on Mars! 不長老的頑童繼續逃避俗務， 在新知舊雨新歡舊愛間捉迷藏，所有的人和事，如詩人所述說般, 只是其生命的一小段歌，不作停留不被捕獲，浪蕩者只會繼續追尋其Shangri-la / acardy。

正要為詩人過著火星人般的例牌 sex ? and rock n' roll 的 rockstar lifestyle 感到納悶時，最後部份的訪問喜見澄澈的Peter， 仍舊是我喜歡的靈魂。 

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因為是那麼複雜矛盾的生活，我的心理，人格等也是各種分子的衝突下存在。我是頂年青的，我愛太陽，愛火，愛玫瑰，愛一切明朗的，活潑的東西，我是永遠不會失望，疲倦，悲觀的。對一切世間的東西，我睜着好奇的，同情的眼，可是同時我却在心的深底裏，蘊藏着一種寂寞，海那樣深大的寂寞，不是眼淚，或是太息所能掃洗的寂寞，不是朋友愛人所能撫慰的寂寞，在那麼的等候，我只有揪着頭髮，默默地坐着，因為我有一顆老了的心。

－我的生活，穆時英

Lost Time / The Sound of the Streets

My mp3 player just popped out The Sound of the Streets when I was reading the last page of In Search of Lost Time. How coincident. No, of course this song cannot summarise the whole epic, but I really thought of this song in some paragraphs, such as when the narrator lay in his bed and listened to the street noise outside his window.

"Inside she feels like winter
For the child that died within her
She walks the streets to pass the time

Sadie, Sadie hear the sound of the streets
Insane as anything"

"For the child that died within her" I don't think Brett meant it literally, not that Sadie had a miscarriage or abortion. I think he meant the lost time as a child that she couldn't find it again. Strange juxtaposition for this song and the last page of Time Regained.

Sometimes we can find the lost time again, if we drown deep enough in our sea of memory, but sometimes we just can't. The time had lost, the persons, the things, the passions had died. And remember the words from our dear Mr. Barat? Something like for a failed relationship, a part of yourself was died because all the things you had said, all the secret between the two lovers was lost forever. Actually I was quite surprised that he could utter something so Proust.

It took me quite some time to finish the whole series, I even doubted that if I could finish it before the end of my life, and thought if it would be too time-consuming if I had to re-read it again in my next life (if I could have one). These were my idle thoughts of course and now, even though I eventually finished it, I really want to re-read it again immediately. There were moments that I felt so heavy or intense that I had to close the book (excuse for the slowness?). I remember Proust once said that he did not expect praise or censure for his book, he just wanted his readers to feel "oh this is really like it" (ok, it's my interpretation), and I think he succeeded. I was always amazed by his clairvoyance.

Of course my life is not as epical as Proust's (or that of the narrator). During my time from reading Vol.1 to Vol.6, I had my joy and sufferings, I lost someone dear to me (but I did not know until I lost him). I will try to "recherché" those joyous moments, bury and banish the sufferings. I may find the lost person again in my memory, but may lose him again by my indifference and forgetfulness (and we say time is a healer).

愛念與怨念同樣重

copy a douban entry here, so i can have new post.



I can't help thinking of the memoirs of a geisha, i reckon it's a camp book title.


章節混亂，毫無時序可言，可能此乃作者風格，又可能作者行文時腦袋受其他物質影響，其實通通都不重要，因本書實在有趣，書如其人， 混亂、搞笑。but, no no, 難道我們樂迷們不知道Carlos其實是憂鬱的、認真的? （但作者的命運總是逃不過種種的偏差）

書的開首是比較咬文嚼字，我認為作者原先是想寫一本認真及優雅的自傳，但往後變得比較隨意及口語，沒關係吧，libertines都是shambolic的。內容方面，我當然最最最最最期待一切有關他與Peter的往事。没有驚天動地的祕聞，所說的相信樂迷們一早已知道。本書由頭到尾也經常地提及Peter，有時（我認為）作者對Peter刻意淡化，Peter僅是他的室友及樂團的拍擋；但有時Peter又被形容為他生命中（曾經的）重要伙伴；或他的伯樂，給他自信，助他克服舞台恐懼；有時作者會誠實地表示對Peter的懷念，期待遇上另一段刻骨銘心的「友情」，甚至會感懷地總結他的前半生就是失去了一段重大的「友情」。（對，作者十分強調「友情」關係，請粉絲們不要幻想太多。）但更清楚的著墨則是對這位朋友的控訴，像Peter和女友或友人無故失踪而丢下作者一人，致使他憂鬱發作；又或染上毒癮後的Peter失踪、失場、失控，作者怎樣獨自承受失去至愛朋友的痛苦同時又不被其他人了解，甚至要忍受無知粉絲的謾罵。我是相信、理解及同情作者的，很想拍一拍他的背，說句感謝及欣賞的話，但同時我又感到快要被作者千斤重的怨念淹沒。

文中提到作者跟Anthony Rossomando 及Danny Goffey 的友情也很甜蜜，但不明白為什麼找不到Tim Burgess的踪影，他們不是很要好的嗎？（或是我看得太快，看漏了眼？）

另外作者亳無掩飾對毒品及酒精的鍾愛，雖然最後言之鑿鑿向從前講再見，唔 … 不予置評。

本書的大部份內容我是覺得有趣的，只是到最後有少許不耐煩，如他的交待近況（太hard sell）；訴說怎樣愛新女友、新生命、新生活（太不rock n’ roll太正常了，我就是那些吸血鬼般的粉絲，只愛異常的、墜落的、被摧殘的、憂鬱症的或狂喜的，正常人（如自己）太沒趣了）；及最终回的真情剖白，我明白作者經歷過非一般的高與低，我無意輕視任何人的痛苦，尤其是親愛的作者，所以當我對他在最終回的剖白納悶時，其實我是有罪疚感的，但最終回提到之焦慮、寂寞、迷失、毒品、酒精、女友、重回人間（不是之前已講過嗎？），太像一些emo kids 的blog文或日記了（在此我又輕視了emo kids 的痛苦，真不應該），我想，可能作者仍然是一名emo kid 吧（沒有眨義的）。

save me from tomorrow

I hate these words, they're so true.

Deep down, all the while, she was waiting for something to happen. Like a sailor in distress, she kept casting desperate glances over the solitary waster of her life, seeking some white sail in the distant mists of the horizon. She had no idea by what wind it would reach her, toward what shore it would bear her, or what kind of craft it would be – tiny boat or towering vessel, laden with heartbreaks or filled to the gunwhales with rapture. But every morning when she awoke she hoped that today would be the day; she listened for every sound, gave sudden starts, was surprised when nothing happened; and then, sadder with each succeeding sunset, she longed for tomorrow.

Madame Bovary, Gustave Flaubert

hay-on-wye

That is my ideal place for retirement. If I have loads of money, I really like to buy a house in Hay. It's a small town with no train connection, but its remoteness also sets a good vibe for this town of books, isolated, far from the madding crowd, with only second-hand, mouldy and dusty books. Old books always give a strange kind of charm, travelled far in terms of time and space, they always have their own story to be told, besides the stories written within. I like to think about the identity of the original owner, where the book came from, the number of different owner in-between... did it come from a personal library of a book collector, or was it just part of the domestic decoration of a pretentious snob? It is like a mysterious thread connecting different people, or even different centuries. Like those lending records attached to the books of public libraries, I always feel intrigued by the previous readers. I've bought a small book of poetry of lord bryon. All pages were yellowed and the cover was creepily stained by human touch. This book must have been loved by its previous owner(s). I can almost feel the fanatical savour of this person to the book. Another book I've bought, charles lamb's essays of elia, it looks brand new though it was published in the early 20th Century. It must be placed on the shelf for a long time as "decoration" only. I hope I will give the books the respect they deserve by reading them sometimes, though I am afraid (and pretty sure) that the books in my house generally are also becoming part of the fixtures and fittings only, I read too slow. Sorry, books.

wouldn't it be nice to read in office

"It is quite true that I have worshipped you with far more romance of feeling than a man usually gives to a friend … well from the moment I met you, your personality had the most extraordinary influence over me. I quite admit that I adored you madly, extravagantly, absurdly. I was jealous of every one to whom you spoke. I wanted to have you all to myself. I was only happy when I was with you. When I was away from you, you were still present in my art."

my working mood already slipped away, so i have work to do (even told to be urgent) but i just drowned to reading dorian gray again. that's the original text (and later was amended by wilde because it's just too explicit of ... what?) it's so beautifully written and gives me so much association and imagination.

i heard that there will be a film soon, another attempt to kill the novel.

let's put our futures behind us

"他們一起生活，共同創作，穿彼此的衣服，分享一切，包括死亡。"

so their story does not turn out to be like this, which we should be glad, though I thought it probably would be that way if they continue to live together, it's always dangerous to be too obsessive and intense.


"Take me to the place where you go
Where nobody knows, if it's night or day"

and by the way, i am just reading the biography of joe orton, and maybe my soul has slided away a bit, 'cause I have put my life in the hands of a dear rock n' roll band.

Your words dazzled me, but I like your words

Series of sleep talking, monologues of anxiety, self-reflection (or delusion?), almost a record of psychoanalysis, of a writer, a gambler, a fetishist and an addict. How many roles do you have, aware or unaware? Fill yourself with drinks, nicotine and obsession, alienate yourself from the world, the world which you despise, it's almost a self-indulgence, or you are just too clairvoyant.

We are the creatures of gravity, falling (我沒有因為漫長的下墜而進化至長出翅膀) and/or inept (如果沒法前行, 就到埗了麼?) This is the same old story (that same old rusty boring stinking shitty story, of you and me, hoping hopelessy).

無聊才讀書

『快樂，不快樂。好像愛我，不愛我。他拿起一枝花，一面拔掉花瓣，一面在說「快樂，不快樂」。他是一個快樂的人，他也是一個不快樂的人 ... 他對他說，他不快樂。因為他的慾望太多，不能滿足，甚麼都是有點不足夠 ... 他的快樂是很快的，喝一杯紅酒很快樂，那一個Moment很快樂，但三分鐘之後，快樂就消失了 ... 雙子座和雙魚座的人通常的快樂，都是很快快樂，很快便不快樂。他們兩個雙子和雙魚，一問一答，一答一問，在討論快樂。』

- 《好風如水》胡恩威

I just love these passages, for obvious reason (someone is so idle for sure).

farewell to my good 7 years

So this is the end. I already start to miss the book (i mean the whole series) and the characters. Seven years seem to be a long period, I was in UK, alive and kicking, when the Philosopher's Stone was first published. Seven years after there is Deathly Hallows and i feel like deathly hollow. harry and hermione are brilliant from the day one, but what i like best is ron and neville, i always love those clumsy children (me so clumsy also), they always live in the shadow of failure, poor things, oh but they finally prove to be very brave and courageous (prove yourself ... why?). And Snape, oh why? why makes yourself so difficult? the saddest man in the book, you win my heart at last. The last series is perfect if it omits the last chapter, middle-age and banal, no, harry potter and co. do not allow to be so ordinary.


"of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

Yes, i know. It is real, because I believe in feeling.

should be a good read if i can decipher the handwriting

shut your month and bend down low, story of french dog


long live the french dog!


"reverie" of prison


oh how sweet, though pretend to be indifferent

在英倫尋找Arcadian Dream

本來只想於豆瓣寫的書評，回心一想何不也放在自己的blog，一稿多用。



England Is Mine: Pop Life In Albion from Wilde to Goldie - Michael Bracewell

Arcadia，一個已消失的理想國度，又或其實只是一個存在於幻想的國度。在Michael Bracewell眼中，這濛濃幻影正是英倫流行文化的精髓。無論是Oscar Wilde，寫實電影大師Lindsay Anderson，處境喜劇泰斗Sid James，又或悲情自憐自大者Morrissey，每位當代流行文化的Icon人物，總是對自己身處的世代感到格格不入，窮一生去找尋存在於記憶深處的一個浪漫國度，理想的日子仿佛已過去，其實大家都在懷一個不曾存在過的舊。

Arcadia對於英倫流行文化，其實又豈止是Bracewell所說的一次又一次的懷舊與思古！微妙又牢固的階級觀念，欲處處強調公平遊戲守則；隱藏又不可忽略的社會禮節規範(Decorums)，偏又喜歡革新破格； 對自身Englishness既驕傲又自嘲；另外，過度的工業化及城市化使都市人對田園生活充滿憧憬，但生活在田園小鎮的又對四周千載不變的人與事感到納悶非常，英倫生活上的種種自相矛盾，不正就是像arcadian dream般矛盾？在浪漫的牧人與諸神寫詩飲酒的同時，偏就巧遇死神的蒞臨；在天真的笑薔下， 卻是墜落的開始。

喜愛某隊樂團的，一定發現本書對兩位主將的影嚮，由Wilde到The Only Ones到Sid James到頹廢生活經典A rebours，更甚至其特別的 calligraphy。


每個chapter的 title所用的字體，真的和其中一名主將的字體非常相像呀!

Bookcrossing

Have to clear up the pile of old newspaper cutting on my table today and in the course of being such paranoid android, I found an article in Hong Kong Economic Journal (author:馬家輝) about Bookcrossing. Wow, this idea is what I need. I just have headache about the books piling up in my small matchbox home. It's the best way to "dispose" of them (but the word "dispose" is too rude to apply to books). It is also very romantic to let your book float around the world, from places to places, from generation to generation. Isn't it like a mystic thread connecting you with a stranger? You don't know each other but you read the exact same book, share the same vision or just have different notions? What became to the first owner?

I immediately registered myself to the website and will let some of my books float around Hong Kong this week. This is like message in a bottle, you'll never know where it will end to. (but since this is Hong Kong, I think most of my books will end up in trash bin and I will probably be complained by others as litter bug)


Bookcrossing.com
Chinese Bookcrossing 1
Chinese Bookcrossing 2

Omens everywhere

Why are there so many people reading The Alchemist now? Michael told me it's good and I told it to my boss so everybody is now reading it, even Miss Pretty in my office. I may regard it as some kind of omens like the book says. Micheal said I'm like that crystal merchant, no I'm much worse than him as I even don't have a crystal shop to hold me back, I'm such lazy motherfxxker so I don't look for any change, too bad, loser, like the title, I'm kept sedated.

The book is actually quite good, a small inpirational fairy tale. It may over-simplify our life and pursuit of dream and the wisdom is also a bit cliche, but sadly cliche is always right. Examples of cliche (or wisdom if you like) :
1. Everything has a cost (yes, that's also the theme of my recent favourite anime Fullmetal Alchemist).
2. Pursuit your dream no matter what, God helps the ones who "dare" to chase their dream.
3. Listen to your heart, treasure is where your heart is.
4. Even if someone fail/die in chasing his/her dream, it's still better than doing nothing.