grey sky is like the memory fade

God knows why i like grey sky with drizzling.

This is today's weather.

farewell to my good 7 years

So this is the end. I already start to miss the book (i mean the whole series) and the characters. Seven years seem to be a long period, I was in UK, alive and kicking, when the Philosopher's Stone was first published. Seven years after there is Deathly Hallows and i feel like deathly hollow. harry and hermione are brilliant from the day one, but what i like best is ron and neville, i always love those clumsy children (me so clumsy also), they always live in the shadow of failure, poor things, oh but they finally prove to be very brave and courageous (prove yourself ... why?). And Snape, oh why? why makes yourself so difficult? the saddest man in the book, you win my heart at last. The last series is perfect if it omits the last chapter, middle-age and banal, no, harry potter and co. do not allow to be so ordinary.


"of course it is happening inside your head, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?"

Yes, i know. It is real, because I believe in feeling.

Hysterical and useless

I told myself many times not to listen to the radiohead, or at least not in the public, for each time i can't control my emotion, the sheer chill through the headphones down my spine, blast in your face, no escape. There were moments my tears running down uncontrollably in the underground (people might think how this girl just broke up with her love, no, she was just listening to the radiohead). Today I have a strong urge to pick up planet paradiso again, taking the risk for not feeling normal for the whole day. Alienated and spaced-out. The state I am in.

We say things are multi-faceted, but sometimes it's just binary for me. Whenever i feel alienated and solitude, i feel my whole soul. Most of the time socialising means to kill a part of my soul. of course it means differently if i was with the persons i like. That is why whenever i travelled alone, i feel so myself. I don't know why i got this strange concept of socialising = conformity = exterminate the soul. Maybe i am just anti-social. (the next serial killer)

I can't read anything for the whole morning. all mandarin speakers around me always speak so loud. I am dumb and deaf here and can only communicate in cantonese and english, i wonder if i will stay here for long, or I still linger, for the crime of money ...

yes, i need money, sometimes the soul is cheap, i was told though still in probation, i have several annual leaves before year end, so i need money ...

the likely lads

"He seemed a charming boy to me, whatever he became later. Naturally, I introduced him to _____, the boys took to each other at once, both such brilliant young boys, they got on like a cauldron on fire."

oh, why did i see anything under the shadow of the likely lads?
hey, come on, it's dumbledore and grindelwald, haha. (i am so slow to everything, still reading harry potter and the deathly hollows)

when i get low i get high

that is why i was kept sedated (oh great!)

can i have any entertainment?

This is art (i call it, don't argue). i'm too bored so let paint a bit. This is rather mark rothko and jackson pollock (yes, i say it, don't argue).

makes no difference

so the decision was mine, this time i can't blame anybody or anything, it was myself who wanted to play the game that everybody else is playing, they talk about money, they boast they have plenty, why can't i? i sold my soul for the sake of what? ok i've been loitering for too long, time to please mother, try to walk like normal, and everybody else is busy, documents pending to be read, while my head is still up in the cloud...

to speak is to lie
to live is to collaborate

or

to speak is to collaborate
to live is to lie

makes no difference